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I never cared much for Lady Gaga, but I sure do love Christopher Walken.  If you survive his rendition of “Pokerface” without dying of mirth, check out the even more spectacular audio of him reading “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe (how did I not find that on YouTube before Halloween?)

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Here’s a quick flying trip on my witchy broomstick all around the Net to assist you in finding everything you need for a great holiday on October 31st!

A Real Human Skeleton!

What would Halloween be without a SKELETON? Sure, you could go and buy some plastic piece of crap that isn’t even scary for about $100 . . . but wouldn’t it be cooler to freak out trick-or-treaters with the real thing? If you’ve got $2,795.00 you can hit up eBay here and get a skeleton of your very own!

Scary Stories!

It wouldn’t be Halloween without some scary stories, and Edgar Allan Poe is surely the master. This amazing CD features celebrities and actors from Iggy Pop to Gabriel Byrne reading from Poe’s works. My favorite track? Christopher Walken’s rendition of “The Raven” you will “nevermore” regard this classic poem the same way after hearing this version! Prepare to be scared!

Cool Candy!

Don’t be lame and give those trick-or-treaters the same old junk! Get yourself online at Candy Crate and select something truly distinctive! I’m really in love with the above pictured “Dr. Scabs Monster Lab Chocolate Body Parts!” Yummy!

Mad Pumpkin Carving Skillz!

Everyone on the block has a jack o’lantern in the window, but I know you want yours to be the best! You can get inspiration from the carving masters at (where else?) ExtremePumpkins.com, or head over to Amazon and get your own copy of Great Pumpkins: Crafty Carvings for Halloween for some high-level instruction!

Creepy Music!

There is a treasure trove of more than 75 awesome horror-themed .WAV files here (including the Addams Family theme song!), but if you’re feeling extremely hip and want some sick nasty music you can really munch brains to, you can join me in really, really wanting to have a copy of “The Halloween Zombie Stomp” by DJ Throatslice. Come on, you know you’ll want “Happy Halloween, You’re Going to Die!” blasting on the stereo when those cute little ghosts, pirates and hobos show up!

A Scary Movie!

Make some popcorn, turn out all the lights, and pop your favorite screamfest in the DVD player! The ultimate debate over which horror movie is truly the “scariest” will rage on for eternity, but what sort of a “Carrie” would I be if I didn’t encourage you to watch Brian DePalma’s masterpiece of the same name? If you have never seen it, I urge you to give it a look, and if you haven’t seen it in years, I assure you that it really is as good as you remember!

A Great Costume!

You’re just not going to get the maximum amount of candy without a completely fantastic costume and you know it. I certainly don’t need to give all of you amazingly creative folks any costume ideas, but I can tell you that if you’re feeling uninspired about a costume like I am this year, you can head to the CafePress Halloween page for a t-shirt so silly that they’ll give you candy anyway.

A Drink To Relax With When It’s All Over!

Last but not least, when all of the excitement is over, and the last kid has finally left your house whining about the lack of Snickers and the pathetic overabundance of Necco wafers this year, you’ll want to kick back, put your feet up and have a glass of wine. Retailing for $10-12 a bottle at your local wine store, I can personally recommend Vampire Wine as an excellent choice . Yes, the label is gimmicky, but the Cabernet is very drinkable for the price, and the bottle is too cool for words!

Have a spooky day, peeps!